Modern Dog Blog

Hello there internet people! It’s been a while, I’ve been learning to be a Mom and how to manage the baby and the beasties together. It’s not easy, but I do it. Luckily the dogs are all older and mostly reasonable, except for Teak who is still insane. I have earned the respect of many by being able to walk all four dogs AND push the stroller – behold, Super Dog Mom!

Q is 8 weeks old today – I can’t believe it. The time truly does fly by.

I have, for years now, been working very hard on my crusty old dog trainer exterior. You know, the walls you put up to keep smelly, dirty things like emotions out? You grumble about clients, bitch about kids, mostly hate dogs, complain about everyone’s lack of ability to follow through, and just generally become bitter and cranky. I sort of like being that way, it was working for me. It made for some awesome sarcasm, and contributed to my unique outlook on my strange little world. And it was safe.

This baby has wrecked me. Wrecked me. Suddenly, I understand what it is to love someone – a human of all things – so much that you would sacrifice anything for their happiness. I understand how incredibly fierce and all consuming a mother’s love can be. Should be. Every day, I weep that she is getting bigger and growing up, and I rejoice that she is learning and becoming someone. In 8 short weeks, she has become the central focus of our family. Pretty much everything runs on her schedule, and we are putty in her tiny, perfect little hands.

I never really wanted kids. Who needs them when you can have PUPPIES!?! I have pugs, I can dress them, carry them, coddle them, and then toss them in their crates and go see a movie. The best of both worlds. I can’t be a Mom, I thought. I’m way too selfish. I treasure my alone time way too much. And I don’t even like kids.

Yet, I feel like I have found my feet in this thing we call Motherhood. I am not good at being pregnant, and I kinda sucked at giving birth; but the Mommy thing? I got that shit down. This, this I can do. It is the single hardest thing I’ve EVER done, and I’ve done some hard shit. 13 dogs in a condo for four days, anyone? Ya, talk to me.

I can’t even really explain it, but other Mommies know. You see it in their face when they walk by with their toddler and their breath catches a little at the sight of my tiny bundle. “Oh, a new baby” they say. You know they are remembering those first precious days of cuddling their babies close to their hearts. Before the little buggers could talk. I did it myself today. Q went in for her two month check and shots – poor, poor, baby – and there was a couple there with a brand, brand new baby – not even a week old. And I felt my heart clutch a little, because my baby won’t be that tiny ever again. At the same time, I’m thrilled that she smiles at me now, and knows who I am. She sees me. She’s noticing her world, and talking to us about it. But I can’t ever go back to that first week, those first heady moments when you fall completely in love. When you are overwhelmed with awe at what you have created, and terrified that you will somehow break them. When you stand and stare at them sleeping and all you can think is “Wow, I did that. How did I get so lucky, so blessed?” You wonder who they will be. Will you like them? Will they like you? And none of it matters, because no matter what, that is your baby, you will love them always. In ways that you have never loved another.

This is just the beginning of a long, long journey for Q and I. I hope that I remember, through the teething, the tantrums, the colds, the many messes, the late nights, and all the growing pains that are to come; I hope I always remember to treasure every moment. That I won’t get so caught up in “getting stuff done” to stop for a moment and just breathe her in. Hold her tight and forever imprint the feel of her tiny body in my arms. Sniff the yummy baby goodness at the curve of her cheek. Cause she won’t be little for long, and I want to grab onto every second of it and hold on tight.

Some day soon she’ll be walking. She’ll be able to walk away and explore the world on her own. I will support her every step of the way, and she will always know that my arms are here to catch her. I will support her, and I will cheer her on in her journey through life, even as my heart breaks that my tiny baby is growing up.

Do you see? Do you see what has happened to me? I am so very much in love. And, oh, it hurts. It hurts more than any break up, more than any physical injury. If children only knew the hold they have on their parents’ hearts. The power those tiny fists wield. I never knew. Never knew how much I was loved, until Q came into my world. I don’t think you can know until you experience it for yourself. You can’t really explain it either, but other Mommies know. You can see it in their faces.

I love you, Q. More than I ever wanted to love anything. Be gentle with your poor old Mommy, she breaks easy now.

Posted on December 4th, 2008 by michelle
Filed under: Baby stories, My dogs, The Naked Part