My baby and I have had a very busy few weeks. Errands, simple things that take on gargantuan proportions when toting a six month old, activities, and all manner of stuff and things. Our weekends have been packed with baby showers in far flung places, play dates, endless mounds of paperwork and filing, and trying desperately to sneak in a few moments of quiet with the Daddy of this show. I am exhausted. Q handles it all much better than I do. But then, she can nap in her car seat while I chauffeur us about town.
Finally, yesterday, after a long night with lots of screaming wake ups (Q screamed, I quietly wept at being ripped out of sleep, again) we decided to take a day off. Canceled all our activities and just stayed home. Caught up on some email and spent the day playing on the floor with baby in between her naps. Sigh. It was so good that we decided to do the same thing today.
These feel like stolen moments, Q and I wrapped up in our own little world. I know that someday I’m going to look back on these days, these days of just me and her having our own little love affair, and be so sad that they are over. These are my days. She’s still little enough to not argue about what she wears or what we do, instead is simply thrilled to play with me. She laughs at my antics, and thinks being tickled and gobbled up is probably the best thing to happen to a baby ever.
While I enjoy going out and about and being part of the grown up world, I am also completely content to spend days at home feeding her, bathing her, playing silly games, and just tending to her. Which, if you’ve ever had a baby, you’ll know that the tending can easily suck up an entire day. She’s eating baby food now, and sitting up, rolling over, and *this* close to crawling. She has come to love her baths, where before only a shower with Mom or Dad would do, now that she has a baby bathtub, she will kick and splash for as long as I let her. Her favorite thing is to bounce like a maniac in her little bouncer chair thing. Now that her feet reach the floor, the child is a bouncing fool. This has carried over to kicking in the tub, bouncing when I hold her, rocking on her hands and knees, and a general love of being tossed about. Funny girl.
These are my days. My parents are still young enough that I don’t have to worry about their health so much. My baby is still my baby, and not running off to discover the world yet. I hope that as she grows we will still have so much fun, and many adventures, but my heart is convinced that these days are the best ones. These days where she and I are just wrapped up in each other, and the great big world doesn’t really intrude so much. Now, when she wants nothing more than to cuddle up in my arms and be snuggled. Now, when I am still enough. The heartaches and small pains of life haven’t touched her. No betrayals of friends, no comprehension of ugly things like death and destruction, no realization yet that life can be anything other than safe and secure. Her biggest worry is when her next meal is coming. Not a bad life, really. I wish that I could make it so that was always her biggest worry. Of course, as a mother, I want to protect her from everything. I want to keep her wrapped up in my arms, forever, if she’d let me. Yet, in the way it has always been, my job, my duty, is to prepare her to go out there and be part of the great big world. To learn to keep herself steady, so that when the world tries to toss her about, she can find her footing on her own. I know that, and I will do my best. If I could just hang on a little tighter to these days. I try to capture them as best I can with pictures and words, but every day that I celebrate a new milestone or accomplishment with her is a day that my heart aches a little because she’s growing up.
I never thought I’d be completely wrapped up in someone so small. This thing, motherhood? It’s amazing and mind bending and awful and wonderful. It is the hardest and most amazing thing I’ve ever done. Every time I think I’ve got a handle on it, I look at her and am knocked flat by the sheer emotion of everything that is her. I’ve loved a lot in my life, hard love that seemed to consume me, but nothing, nothing ever prepared me for this. That she would soften my edges, make me see things in a whole new light, teach me that love with humans can indeed be unconditional (of course I thought that only existed with dogs). That this tiny little bit of humanity that would hold my entire world in her fist. A friend of mine the other day remarked that his wife’s pregnancy was an “everyday miracle.” That about sums it up for me.
She’s napping on my lap now, but making waking up moves, so I will let you go now, and go back to my silly little games. Take care, all.
Posted on April 16th, 2009 by michelle
Filed under: Baby stories, Random run ins, The Naked Part
I don’t usually write on blogs but had to on yours. You have a very easy to read writing style. A lot of people don’t have that touch, they just drone on and on in the most boring way. But not you – thanks! I love visiting other sites about raising a baby! It seems like there is always something to learn about it. I don’t have time to read all of it right now, I found this site while I was searching for something else on ask.com, but I’ve bookmarked your homepage and will come back again soon to see what’s new. Please take a look at at http://www.MommaCommuneBoutique.com and let me know what you think of it.
I love sharing (you know what I mean) this job we have( baby sitters for god, life guides, what have you ) or as it is called on most of this earth, Mama. You are so right it is the hardest job there is and one no one can prepare you for, no matter how many child development classes you take!