Modern Dog Blog

Please get the cow off my underpants.

Posted on March 27th, 2009 by michelle
Filed under: My dogs, Random run ins | 1 Comment »

So, I joined a dog training club last month, to, you know, train my dogs. “But aren’t your dogs already trained?”, you ask. Why no, no they are not. A fact that was made blatantly obvious to me when I joined the club and asked my dogs to perform a simple stand for exam. Hahahahahaha!

Here’s the thing. I’m going to tell you a secret. A dirty one. My dogs? Ya, well, they aren’t really what I would call “trained”. They are simply very good at following cookies around. And I am very good at leading them.

I have actually trained dogs. Lots of dogs. To do useful things. Just not mine. Because they have always been good enough. They could pull off a demo, help me teach a class, and were moderately reasonable house pets. Now that I have time on my hands though, not working, the baby is getting to be more willing to do stuff with me rather than nurse 27 hours a day; I decided that perhaps I would enter my pugs in some obedience competitions. Pffbt. Well. There is this small problem. They haven’t actually ever been trained for obedience competitions. Hunh. Who knew?

Teak is a disaster. She is great at her flyball game, and loves to play agility (by her own rules, not anyone else’s), and she a great little demo dog. As long as I have a handful of cookies. Ask her to hold a sit, quietly, without busting a brain gasket because THERE ARE COOKIES IN HER HAND? Um, no. Shewouldliketodoitallveryfastrightnowpleasecouldyouhurryupabit? She gets so overspun that she just can’t think. She just wants to jump! and go! somewhere! anywhere! fast!!

Karma is another disaster. Karma knows very well the things she learned the first two years of her life. Those things she learned early on are cemented in her little collie brain. After that, her processor shut down and refused any new input. No kidding, when I try to teach her something new, she cries and slinks like she’s getting beaten. With the cookies. Yes, I beat her with the cookies, because that makes sense. Her brain smokes. And then the circuits fry and it’s over. I kind of gave up, because she’s Josh’s dog, he should train her, and really, of all the dogs she listens the best. She’s easy, doesn’t run off, doesn’t eat other dogs, and will lay down the instant the command comes out of your mouth. So really? I don’t care if she never learns anything new. I just wanted her to have some fun. But judging from the whining, training isn’t very fun for her, so whatever. Have a free cookie dog, and go get your ball.

Dyson. *sigh* Dyson is exceptionally gifted at games where he gets to do the thinking. Detection work? The dog is a genius. Tracking? Spectacular. Service dog for mildly cracked owner? Brilliant. Doing things which require him to respond quickly and accurately to an actual command? Dismal failure. I like to tell people it’s because we work better together as a team, that he’s better at thinking on his feet. Really? Reeeally??? It’s because he’s a bull headed, stubborn bastard and I don’t feel like fighting with him. I really would rather work WITH him, I hate trying to get him to work for me. Even for something as simply as “Lie Down you large, unruly, begging animal” he makes four circles around the living room to find the appropriate spot. He won’t just LIE DOWN. Luckily, he’s generally a good dog, at least around the house.

Jester, strangely, is about the best of the bunch when it comes to actual obedience training. (He’s definitely the most rotten house dog though, trash can raiding, cat box filching little scrounger) He’s much more methodical than Teak, and apparently somewhere along the way over the years, I have put quite a bit of actual, real live training into him. He is less frantic about everything, knows most of the obedience drills already, and other than being a rickety old man lacking a bit of enthusiasm (cause he’s tired and where are the blankets already?), he does pretty darn good. I guess, somehow I either actually trained him, or he learned some things by osmosis.

And all of this? All of these pretty words about why my dogs do and don’t do things? Excuses. All of it. Lame excuses for why I haven’t ever actually trained my dogs. Maybe I was busy training other people’s dogs. Maybe I haven’t done a thing with them for the past year and a half because I’ve been busy gestating, being hormonal and all that. Maybe….

Or maybe I’m not that good at really training dogs. Maybe I’ve just learned how to get them so far, and I don’t really know what the next step is. Maybe while all my friends were training, competing, trialing, and pushing their own dogs to the next level – maybe I was too busy trying to make money and running a business and I never learned how to push my own dogs further. Maybe I have always had some excuse – “Well, this dog can’t do that.” “I don’t have the money.” “I don’t have the time.” “Some day when I get this super deluxe puppy, then I can play that game.”

Or maybe, just maybe, all along I’ve been so afraid of failing, of my skills and my dogs not being good enough, that I never really tried. Guess we’ll see, won’t we?

Posted on March 15th, 2009 by michelle
Filed under: My dogs, Random run ins, The Naked Part, Training | 1 Comment »

So a couple of months ago I met a lovely lady who of course oohed and aahhed over my baby. This, in itself is not unusual. Lots of people gawk at the child – you’ve seen pictures, that’s why. What made this different was this nice lady is a photographer, and offered to come take wonderful pictures of my wonderful child for a ridiculously cheap price. Being a Mom, one who is a PICTURE JUNKIE, of course I wanted to take advantage of this. So I scrimped and saved my little pennies, sold some stuff on Craigslist (yay, Craigslist!!) and scheduled a time for our little photo shoot.

Lovely lady came over today, at a bright and shiny 9 am(!), and we played baby games all morning. Of course, 9 am would normally be nap time, we scheduled this so we could get some shots of the Q sleeping. There was no sleeping. Because there was *a camera* and *people*, so instead, little Miss Q mugged, and grinned and made with the cute. She’s good at that. We got some absolutely adorable shots, talented photographer and adorable subject. But the fun doesn’t stop there.

We decided to take some pics with the dogs, so I got the pugs out and put them on the blanket with the baby. They amped around and acted like idiots for a few minutes, but settled down and posed quite nicely. Feeling pretty pleased with myself – cute kid, dogs being moderately sane; I decided to let Dyson out to say hello after I put the pugs back. Poor sad dogs had been in their room all morning since we were playing on the floor with sensitive camera equipment, and you know, a baby that could get trompled. Dyson, in particular, has a mental breakdown when he has to be away from me, so it seemed like he could come out and lay down in a corner somewhere. Right? Sure…..

So, goofball comes out, parades around with his toy like a fool, and I tell him to lay on his bed. Poor, unsuspecting, nice, lovely lady photographer kneels down and asks if she can say hi. Sure, knock yourself out. Dyson gets up and walks over to her, STARTS PISSING AS HE’S WALKING, and manages to completely soak this woman’s clothes. Dear heavens, floor, please swallow me up. My dog just pissed all over the photographer. Kill me now.

Luckily, she thought it was hysterical, got a great story out of it, and I happened to have a brand new pair of jeans that fit her so I washed her pants while we finished the photo shoot. I will be utterly amazed if that woman ever works anywhere near a dog again. Let’s all just say a little prayer of thanks, to whomever you pray to, that Dyson did not piss on her camera – cause I’m pretty sure you can’t throw those in the wash.

Posted on March 6th, 2009 by michelle
Filed under: My dogs, Random run ins | No Comments »

Ok, so I’ve had dogs in my bed for the last 20 years or so. Some weird things have happened. Occasionally my bed gets puked on, there is always a lot of hair in it, occasionally someone leaves a chew bone or two under the covers, and you kind of learn not to smell any suspicious wet spots. Just wash the covers, don’t wonder, cause you don’t want to know.

Lucky for me, I have been blessed with many dogs who, ahem, lose some bladder control occasionally. While sleeping. On my bed. Yes, lovely.

Redwood started having accidents when she was about 3, just every now and again, she’d fall into a really deep sleep and “forget” to get up and go pee outside. Now lest you misunderstand, Redwood was beautifully housebroken and would be offended if someone else pottied in the house, let alone ever be caught doing it herself. It only happened when she was really in a deep sleep, and usually there was also something stressful going on in her daytime life (new puppy or what have you), and she was always very upset to wake up and discover she’d wet the bed. I was always upset too. Nothing like stretching out in your warm, cozy cocoon and getting a soggy foot for your trouble.

So, I learned to wrap my mattress in trash bags and strip my bed sheets at an early age. Having her with me at night was worth the occasional midnight load of laundry.

Since Redwood, Rowan too started having accidents in her sleep, at an older age, around six, but same general story. Luckily Rowan didn’t sleep on the bed. Her choice, not mine. So, her dog beds were eventually wrapped in plastic too.

Both of those lovely ladies have left me, and I thought perhaps our bedwetting days were over. No. I currently have a Leaky Labrador, a Betsy Wetsy Border Collie, and a Piddling Pug. Dyson will fall asleep after playing and sometimes his bladder just gets so full from all the water he drank that it will just leak a bit. This always wakes him up, and he will frantically start licking himself clean and get to the nearest door. He doesn’t mean to do it, but he’s a big dog, and when he leaks, well, he’s tall too so you can imagine the mess. Karma, dear heavens, that dog. Same thing, falls asleep, usually on my couch, and just pisses herself. But she doesn’t wake up, or even seem to notice that she’s done it. Now, neither of these dogs would ever dream of going potty in the house on purpose, so I try not to get too upset, although, washing the same comforter three days in a row does get a bit old. We combat this by taking them out regularly, and about every hour or so if they’ve played hard and had a lot to drink.

Up until very recently, my two little pugs were the only dogs I had that DIDN’T wet themselves in their sleep. Now Jester will surely piss on that stupid little round table I have if he’s got an opinion to share, but he doesn’t pee himself in his sleep. (He had a run of stealth pissing for about a year after Dyson moved in, but he got over that and has quit, thankfully.) Teak will once in a great while, pee right in front of me if she just gets too full and I don’t catch her very, very subtle cues that she needs to go out. Since her cues that she needs to potty include breathing, and, um, breathing, they are sometimes hard to notice. She’ll crap in the house, no sweat, doesn’t have that one down yet, but unless it’s an emergency, she doesn’t pee inside. No, I have not figured out how her twisted little head works, give me five more years, I’ll get back to you.

Ok, so back to my story. Sleeping with dogs. Bad things happen in your bed sometimes. And not the types of bad things you want to happen in your bed. I ran the dogs yesterday. It was hot, they drank a lot. I took them out multiple times before bed. You can see where this is going, right? Yes, yes, my little Teak has joined the ranks of bed pissers. I don’t know what gift I have that these animals can’t hold their bladders, but it is too weird to have had five dogs with the same problem. So she had an accident. So she slept through it. It wouldn’t have been that bed except lately? Lately she’s been sleeping on my pillow…….

Posted on January 14th, 2009 by michelle
Filed under: My dogs, The Naked Part | No Comments »

Every now and again I still get calls for dog training. Mostly everyone knows I’ve retired, but since I’ve had the same phone number for 6 years or so, there are still a few cards floating around out there. I got one this morning, from a guy with a new puppy. I called him back and referred him on to a friend of mine who is building her business.

And it struck me, I don’t miss it. I don’t miss it at all. 20 years of my life spent constantly hustling, and I really don’t miss it. I will say, most of my good friends used to be clients, and even my husband was someone I met through a client. So over all, dog training has been good, but 20 years? It’s enough. I don’t miss the endless potty training questions, the general unwillingness to follow directions, the constant pressure of being “on.” I’ll admit, my brain has rotted in the last few months, but my heart just isn’t in it for training any more.

I still love working my own dogs, but that is more about the relationship than the actual training. I still love dogs, I just am really, truly enjoying not being the one held responsible for all their shortcomings.

The funny thing is, everyone is a dog trainer these days. “Left my lucrative career as a lawyer/dentist/fill in the blank here, to follow my passion and work with animals!” I giggle inside. You moron, you don’t work with animals that much, it’s all about people. There is as much, if not more, human psychology involved than there is animal behavior. I spoke to a friend in Texas today and she said the same thing, everyone is a dog trainer now. It’s like the new, cool profession to have. Man, I’ve been a dog trainer since the days when people would look at you like you were and idiot and go “Dog trainer? You get paid for that?” Times change.

I guess I’m a little sad. Dog training was such a huge part of my identity. It’s all I ever really wanted to do. Now I’m just sort of floating along, not really sure what’s next. I’m taking care of my baby, which, I suppose is a pretty important job, but it’s different. I’ve been trying to think lately of what I should “do”, like for money, to contribute, and absolutely nothing sparks my interest. I used to get fired up about training dogs. Teaching classes, private lessons, organizing all the little pieces of it. Now, not so much. What else will I do with myself? Good question. If you come up with any suggestions, be sure to let me know. For now, I’ll worry about getting Q the best start possible, and maybe I’ll clean my house or something when she learns to nap. Hunh…..

Posted on January 2nd, 2009 by michelle
Filed under: The Naked Part, Training | 2 Comments »